4/5/2018 0 Comments Poetry
09. I'm in so much pain. Every fibrous existence of my being aches. I'm tired like I need a coma and I don't know how many cups of coffee it takes before I look presentable. Lately I haven't been myself. I haven't been popping pills and I feel even more empty now than I ever did when I was high. Speaking of being high, I think I am high. High on sadness. I am nothing without it. I would literally be an urban legend if I ever smiled: the story of the sad girl who smiles and then disintegrates like a sand castle in the wind. I don't crumble to the ground crying, because I'm strong enough to hold it in. I'm always holding it in even when the house is empty and quiet and the paint peeling off the walls is louder than my breathing. Even when it's 3 am and I've been in the shower for 1 hour and 45 minutes, lying on the bathtub floor watching little droplets of water scatter as they bounce off my skin. Even when my skin is cracking because I've been forcing a smile for five days straight and the girl in the mirror stops looking like me and literally turns and walks away. Even when he says "it's ok if you wanna talk about it, im here" Ill smile and bite my tongue because I know he's bluffing. I'm always scared. I'm scared to break because even after all my hard work, sewing up my broken heart and cuts and years of building this wall, I am so fucking fragile that a soft puff of wind could blow my wall away like it were made of loose sand. If it is my choice I won't break ever again. I wouldn't crumble even if I could. I wouldn't even break if I wanted to because I'm already so broken on the inside that it's not possible for my outside to change. But when will this monotony end? I am a boring cloud of empty thoughts and misplaced commas. I am a piece of wet wood that won't burn; no matter how many times I begin to light, i'll snuff out. I am useless and helpless but I also don't want anyone to go out of their way to stop their daily life for me. I don't need someone's pitiful looks and yet I wonder how much more sick I need to be to become until I'm institutionalized.
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14. As the wind picked up, her voice was carried father and farther away, like a leaf dancing on the gusts of wind. Through teary eyes she looked at me and opened her mouth but no sound came out. A hushed sigh came out and behind her eyes a light began to glow. It began as a small twinkling shimmer but grew quickly and turned them into fiery embers. A heat wave pulsed out and shocked the ground as her body began to smoke and became enveloped in light. The blinding light became searing and the energy she was giving off evaporated the sweat off my skin and i felt my blood begin to boil. Suddenly she became the light. She became the fire inside of her and with the erasure of her soul came the destruction of all the light in the world. She had become the fiery hatred that tickled her insides and with it she disappeared all at once and so snuffed out every light as far back as the beginning of time.
15. Since the beginning of time or what we have constructed as time, there has been life. Life that started out as microscopic dust under the feet of faeries turned into the very winged beast that consumed those miniature creatures. But as the dust turned into bones and into flesh and blood, the creatures born out of it were voracious and destructive and sought restitution for their million years of quiet existence laying dormant in the soil. They were worms and then beetles and then mice and rabbits rabid with rabies and with the extinction of the dinosaurs they feasted on the rotting decimation of the extinct and gained those powers and passed them down until now as im writing this i can see the rats outside the windows and theyve grown wings and some of them two heads and others many eyes and theyre pecking at the glass with their razor sharp claws and beaks and the wretched that have been beneath us all these years have yearned long enough for freedom and power that theyve finally come up to receive theyre vengeance with tiny fists grasping tiny guns and this is the end for everyone forever. goodbye and be safe.
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